Sunday, August 23, 2009

The Great Pursuit

I used to write a blog called "The Great Pursuit." It was a phrase I coined for my relationship with God, a reflection on the incomparable worth of a life spent in encounter with God. I went back and reread some of my old posts. At the end of the very first, I wrote:

"When nothing pollutes our devotion to God, and when none of our devotion is shared between God and 'something else,' we truly have a pure devotion to Christ. This is what I'm after. This is what I'm seeking to live, no matter the cost. To be, at my core, devoted to Christ. And to be truly devoted to Him, undeterred by anything or anyone else. That's the life worth living."

As I read these words, and the others I wrote so long ago, I feel a quiet grief in my spirit at something I have lost. It's far too easy to chide myself about living in the past--"on yesterday's manna," as it were--but the fact is that such ideas can became a convenient veil before something that has died inside. After an incredible sermon by Pastor Rick Bezet this morning at NLC, I was broken and challenged to be completely honest about my spiritual condition. God already knows where I am anyway, true? (Of course true.)

I think one of my greatest anxieties about entering a season of "staying in the tent"--outside of the financial concern--has been that I see how frail my devotion has become, and I'm frankly unsure that I can pursue God as He has asked me to this fall. I'm completely aware that God doesn't ask anything of me that He cannot work through me to accomplish, but when the fears of my heart surface, those are the words they speak. "What if you fail?"

I've begun reading through the Psalms, starting with 150 and working backward (I usually start at 1 and trail off at some point, so I know the beginning far better than I do the end). I've heard Ps. 150:6--"Let everything that has breath praise the Lord"--innumerable times, but something about it struck me anew, and a tiny paraphrase of the chapter came out:
God shows up, great and strong, beautiful in the place where His glory dwells.
Grab whatever you can find! Make some noise! Celebrate the majestic Almighty One!
As long as you draw breath, you are here to praise Him.
That's what your life is: breathing out, breathing in, giving Him praise.

I look at this old Desperation poster I once covered in verses that were burning in my heart, and I ache to be alive to the Word again. I crave this existence: breathe in, breathe out, praise. Clear away everything else and desire nothing else--just Jesus. Christ as my reward. Christ as my destination, my journey, and my companion.

There are things inside that must come alive again. The passion may be dim, but I set myself on this: I will not be satisfied in allowing it to fade. All I want is Christ in me, the hope of glory. Nothing else.